P&Z should watch P's & Q's

The woeful state of affairs within QTown's administrative offices being talked about around town with a fervor that we usually only see in the wee hours of Black Friday waiting for the doors to open at Family Dollar. Isn't there anything else happening in Town? No? 

Well OK. I don't want anyone to get shanked while waiting for a juicy story so I'll tell you a tale about a little know department called Planning and Zoning, and the even little-er known employees working in said department. Gather around children, and prepare to be entertained, enthralled, and embroiled.

Once upon a time, lets say hmmmm, about five years ago, there was a shriveled old lady who worked in the Town's planning and zoning department. This lady, we'll call her Breath Craast, was very close to the town manager at the time, we'll call him Mr. Ban Shield. One day, she decided that P&Z wasn't doing it for her anymore, or maybe Mr. Shield did for one reason or another. One of the big mysteries of this story is why this shake up occurred. Perhaps an audit of the Town's finances during Mr. Shield reign would be helpful, but this is a fairy tale, not the retelling of a miracle, so that wasn't done we aren't holding our breath for it to happen now. 

So Breath comes in to Mr. Shield's office one day, and says, "there is a very competent worker in the children's library and I think she'd be great in P&Z. She's trustworthy, has the patience of a saint (obviously, she has to deal with kids all day and hasn't killed anyone) and I feel I've done all I can to further my own interests in this department." So she asks Mr. Shield, "how about me and this competent person trade jobs?"

This would work out great! Breath would get a chance to bungle up another department, and the fair library maiden would have a chance to really shine and make P&Z something the Town so desperately needed - a department that would function properly. So Mr. Shield goes about moving these chess pieces around and all seems super fab. 

Until one very cold and dark day, when some jerk mentioned that Breath hadn't had a fingerprint and background check done. Damn noisy people, always trying to cause problems for Mr. Shield by expecting him to do things "the right way" and "according to town code". Bastards. Well, perhaps it wasn't required by the towns personnel policy back in the olden days when shriveled old Breath was hired, or maybe someone screwed up and just neglected to perform the fingerprint check, criminal history, and drug test that all Town employees have to have done in order to become an actual Town employee (we hear that is happening once again. Do you think they are just dumb or deliberately trying to violate as many Town codes as they can?)

So why is this becoming an issue? After all, Breath has worked for the Town for years and years. Why should she have to subject herself to such tests now? Well, that is because of the job she is being moved into will put her into close proximity to children. You see, parents and the Town actually want their employees, especially ones who work with children, to have nothing icky in their background so they perform these checks to make sure that a potential candidate doesn't have drug problem, isn't a pedophile or registered sex offender, or using an assumed name. Or has a felony conviction anywhere at any time in their lives. Those candidates who have had any of the things described above and maybe a few other scenarios, are invited to exit the premises and not return. A complete criminal history check would show if this potential employee had a felony conviction in another state, too! Like if someone moved here from the Pacific Northwest, well their criminal history follows them around! Sort of like a shadow. This magical criminal history check  will even turn up something in ones background who used to have a different name, like a previous married and divorced name, or even a maiden name. The wonders of science and technology never cease to amaze!

Well, the fair maiden who is now working in Planning and Zoning is doing a stellar job, and she isn't really interested in returning to working in the children's library. So Breath, thinking that if she's forced to have this unfair background check done, it might reveal something in her past she isn't super proud of. And if it's revealed, will find herself out of a job and subject to public ridicule. 

Figuring there was no way to escape the past from catching up with her, Breath turns to Mr. Shield, and in a closed door cry-fest, she bares her soul to him. Breath came out of Mr. Shields office much like a devout Catholic leaving the confession booth. As a matter of fact, Mr. Shield, thinking he was very much like Pope Benedict XVI, even asked Breath to kiss his ring on her way out the door - he thought very highly of himself, we hear he still does.

During the closed door confession, Breath and Mr. Shield decide that unfortunately they aren't going to be able to have Breath continue to work in the children's library. Since all the employees were abuzz about Breath's lack of background check, she can't just go back to P&Z without creating some serious grumbling among the worker bees. So it is decided that Breath will go ahead and retire from town employment, and leave that nasty past safely in the past. The benevolent Mr. Shield, says that whatever Breath told him in his office is "attorney-client privileged" info and will not be revealed to anyone. Yes, we think its ridiculous too, considering Mr. Shield was the Town Manager and not Breath's personal attorney or priest, but knowing how Mr. Shield operates, this is pretty typical of him. 

In a final parting gift to Breath, as he closes her personnel file, which obviously won't have any of her confession in it, writes - OK to Rehire. We think that is kind of shitty, since now this person can waltz back in like 5 years later and start work right away! No need to do a criminal history or background check, because she was a town employee before! 

This tale may or may not be true. If one were so inclined, they could ask about how employee background checks are done and if every single person working for the town - even if they are just "interim" or "acting" - has had a completed background check. If one does happen to find the answer, please share, because getting any information from our ITM Madam Bluto is like nailing jelly to a wall. An exercise in futility. 

To Protect and Serve Who?

One has to wonder who QPD Sergeant James Schultz is protecting and serving on Sunday mornings here in Quartzsite. His own ass? We hear he's really great at doing that. We've learned recently that Sgt. Schultz has taken to appearing in full uniform, driving his QPD Tahoe with his family, at Sunday church services. Does anyone besides us think that's just really odd? Is he getting paid to attend church services? Must be, if he's showing up in full uniform driving an official Town vehicle. Is the Town providing him his offering when the basket gets passed around? Maybe the Town wants all employees hitting the local church services to appeal to various deities to help them "right this ship" which Bluto so famously vowed to do. 

That must be why we recently spotted Bluto doing Native American peace pipe ceremonies with Grain Goldenglare and Marr Sparefat. We wonder what's in that pipe they are smoking - probably something hallucinatory because they are all still acting as if everything is a-ok. A friend recently saw Vile Gash and Ruh Ruh Romp Bones coming out of snake handling services over by the Big Tent. While technically not Town employees, they sure seem to be 100% committed to Bluto's reign of terror. Most likely praying to the snake gods to save this little Town, so they can continue to act superior to everyone. Or maybe they are praying for a cure to whatever Romp's speaking impairment is. Unfortunately for the rest of us, they appeared to be fine, no snake bites inflicted. More likely than not, Vile bored the snakes to tears with her shameless self promotion - she was a headhunter in corporate America for years and worked on the first moon launch and invented the cargo barges which traveled along the Erie Canal! Much like we will never forget 9-11, Vile will never forget how important she is. Once the snakes were sufficiently subdued, she probably bit them. We are sure the toxin she produces is no match for a local rattlesnake. 

Back to Sgt. Schultz, do you think the Chief knows he is doing this Sunday morning gig? We are going to say hell yes. After all, the Chief controls everything his sergeants do. Plus Schultz, being a loyal subject (except for those few weeks when he was Acting Chief when the only thing he was loyal to were his own interests) would never do anything without his Chief's approval. That plus the fact that the church which Schultz attends is directly across the street from Dilbert's house makes it perfectly clear the Chief knows about this. 

You know what Schultz might be praying for? That no one at the Veterans Administration gets wind of his apparent scam to get increased disability benefits. About a week ago we spent some time over at the VFW, and left with some interesting information. First, many of the men we talked to were disabled as a result from their service to our country. Second, they had to fight like crazy to get the meager VA disability and care they were entitled to after they served their country. Third, they really don't appreciate someone who is trying to pull a fast one on the VA because in the end, this makes all veterans look bad and makes people doubt the sacrifices they made for all of us. Bottom line, they seemed kind of pissed off that someone in our Town seems to be playing both sides of the fence. 

Now, we aren't saying Schultz didn't suffer from injuries related to his Army Reserve service, we don't know if he did or didn't. All we have heard about from anyone who has talked to Schultz says he constantly talks about the problems with his knees and he says he's on the list to be scheduled for surgery. He also says he thinks it stinks the small amount of disability pay he receives each month, and is working on appealing his benefits percentage to get more money each month. 

Maybe someone could ask Schultz why if he is, in fact, disabled and needs assistance from the VA, how come he's still a fully functioning patrol sergeant and seems to need no accommodations to do his job? When he was placed on light duty and told he needed to get physical from a POST doctor by Al Johnson because of the huge liability he presented for the Town, he pitched a hissy fit. As soon as Bluto was at the helm of the Quartzsite Titanic, he immediately went off light duty and is now out in the area, protecting and serving our citizens and his fellow officers. As long as no one needs him to actually run or do any kind of physical work, he's just fine. 

He might want to say a prayer that these upset veterans don't pick up a pen and write to the DAV to report his potential fraud. Maybe God answers worshipers prayers more quickly if they show up to church in full QPD uniform. 

Look what I found!

Whilst perusing my recently received email, I stumbled upon this gem of a document. So much comes in to my inbox, I can't keep up with all the goodies I receive. Then one day, like today, I get bored and go through all the funny pictures I get sent from icanhascheeseburger and my silly friends. Most of the time I laugh and laugh but once in a while, I read stuff like this and get pissed off. How come nothing is being done to stop Dilberts reign of terror? How many people have to be victimized by this imbecile? How many of my friends have to suffer not only working for him, but then be treated like crap and tossed aside when he doesn't like them anymore? Most folks would look at the pattern revealed in the past few years and think, "gee, I'm really kind of a fuck up and bad manager, I should do something about that." But not Dilbert. He looks at his actions and thinks "wow, I really am Jesus and can do whatever the fuck I want." People are disposable to this idiot, you aren't loyal to him, you go bye bye. I, for one, am sick of seeing my pals tremble in fear when he approaches. 

So feast your eyes on the document Jeff Dilbert and Laura Bluto don't want you to see.

Janet Brannan's Whistleblower Complaint

Gotta go look at some LOLcats now to make me less angry. 

Enjoy. Or not. It's not pretty but does shed some light on this joke of a police chief. 

Insuring the Uninsurable

I was taking a walk around Quartzsite recently, and got to thinking about all that has happened in the few short months since Bluto took the helm of the ship she declared to adoring masses and press that she would right. 

The first thing I thought about was how wonderful that September 25th meeting was when Bluto told the council and assembled townsfolk that she had saved the day, the risk pool would NOT be dropping the Town and though we'd be on restriction, we would still have the risk pool coverage, and she had made major progress with repairing the relationship with them. Remember that? How we all clapped and cheered, thinking we dodged another expensive bullet. I almost wished I had some rose petals and Hygeia's love beads to throw at her feet as she walked out of the room. Those were the days....

Then fast forward to Nov. 13th and what do we hear coming out of Bluto's blowhole? "The Town has been in contact with an insurance broker who specializes in hard to place municipalities. She said they would be getting quotes from 15 different insurance companies." I got this quote from the Parker Pioneer because I can't stand reading the minutes online at the Town's website. Can't anyone in that building type? Or use spell check? For the love of all that is holy, have someone that maybe graduated high school (a non Quartzsite one) proof read what you put out in the public realm! You can read the entire article here-

Parker Pioneer Article  

Anyways, I got to thinking about this whole crazy scene with Jerry Pukkerson, Bluto, Forgeron, and what their ulterior motives could be. You didn't think they were doing any of their shenanigans out of a sense of duty, honor, and for the good of the Town, did you? Please.

What started as a little kernel of knowledge tucked way deep in my brain, back behind the latest episode of Toddlers and Tiaras, and right next to the LOLcats collection, started to grow and make its way to the forefront. I started thinking about how much money stands to be made for the broker (or middleman if you prefer) who puts together a sweet (for them) high priced insurance package to insure an almost uninsurable town. Then I remembered that Jerry Pukkerson's wife Michele is an insurance broker. 

Interesting. I'd almost completely forgotten about her wearing an insurance brokers hat! All I ever see her do is sling mediocre (at best) food at the restraunt people lovingly (or not so lovingly) call "Dirty's". Now I am no food connoisseur, but I prefer to eat meals at an establishment not known for its dirt. But that's just me. 

So thinking about how Bluto, Forgeron, and the Pukkerson's spend so many hours around these dirty tables, discussing dirty dealings, and generally being less than clean makes me wonder, how much money might be going through their dirty hands in the next few months? Could it be enough to cause a person to toss aside their ethics and morals? Obviously I'm not including Bluto in this last statement because if she ever had any morals or ethics, they were left in Sacramento along with her CASA pension scheme and she didn't leave a forwarding address for them to catch up to her. 

Makes me wonder. How about you?

All Hail King Forgeron!

Seems that our idiotic town council is being more idiotic than usual, so I did some digging into what this council could possibly be thinking. Yeah, I know, it seems like they don't think at all, just follow like lemmings off the cliff. But I digress, back to them thinking. So the intel I got was, that they aren't going to honor Alex Taft's contract because Forgeron has them convinced that they aren't bound by a previous councils actions. 

Let that sink in for a minute- not bound by a previous council's actions.

This has to be some of the most ass backwards thinking I have ever heard about. I know that as a teacher, Mark only has to be a grade level higher than the grade he is teaching, but you have to wonder what kinds of misinformation he is teaching to the kids who are unfortunate enough to go to his school. 

Put yourself in Forgeron's mind for a minute. There you are, in your shithole house, sitting in your Lazyboy watching Hillbilly Handfishin, glorious in your dingy wife beater and boxers, a bucket of Church's Chicken gizzards resting on your massive midsection and a Keystone Light (gotta watch that girlish figure) in your meaty fist. You got a D- in history and the constitution was never your strong suit, your whole understanding of how that whole congress thing works comes from Arby's placemats and Snapple lids. So there you are, thinking that you can't fire Taft with cause, because her contract says she pretty much has to be convicted of a crime before you can do that. And you don't want to fire her without cause, because then you'd have to honor her contract and pay out her severance. Being the bitter old man that you are, you sure as hell don't want to do that. So you come up with this plan to say you do not have to honor this contract because you weren't on the council when it was signed. Sounds logical, right? 

Wrong. Mark, I think perhaps you should crack open one of those old history books you expect your students to use, and read up on what John Adams meant when he said "We are a nation of laws, not men". Readers Digest condensed version for you- this means that while congressmen (or Town councilmen) come and go, the law continues on. So your theory that this council can't be made to honor Taft's contract is as flawed as your thinking that its OK to cavort around town with an underage girl. 

If Marks logic were true, every time a new session of congress starts and new members gets sworn in, all the laws of the previous congress go out the window and we start with a blank slate. I think what Mark wants is a monarchy. New king comes into power, all the old kings laws are replaced with new ones. I understand Mark thinks he is royalty, but we don't have monarchy rule here in the US. We have a democracy. There has only ever been one Common Council of the Town of Quartzsite. You, Mark, are just a seat holder. Others have been in that seat before, and assuming you and your buddy Bluto don't bring on the death of the Town, others will fill that seat after you are gone. 

Saying that this council can't be bound by a contract that a previous one signed is ludicrous. Especially given that current council members Anderson, Kelly, Crooks and Jewitt signed Taft's contract. You gotta wonder what he's telling them to make them forget that they approved every item in her contract not that long ago. Is it possible that they all have senile dementia? Could Mark be spiking their water with some magic potion that turns them into brainless yes men (and women)? Is he hypnotizing them? Or maybe he has blackmail material on them like Jerry Pukkerson has on Carol Kelley. Makes you wonder what would cause this group of imbeciles to voluntarily run off that cliff.  

So Quartzsiters, prepare yourself for another lawsuit. 

Another day... another bungled assault case

Good grief... For the second time in as many weeks, wanna be policewoman Flabby Farcia has screwed up yet another case. I'm beginning to understand why Chief Dilbert doesn't want his sergeants taking calls. Maybe he's smarter than we thought. 

No. He isn't. 

Because if Dilbert were smarter, he'd have placed her on administrative leave pending an investigation into the last case she fucked up. You remember, the one where Farcia let a transient who ran over a woman then fled the scene get off with a citation and a smile. Heh, I said "get off". Which is probably the only thing that Farcia and Dilbert think about. Seems like it was only last week, but it was actually 10 days ago that we were hearing the news of her massive level of incompetence. Statistically, this has got to be something of a Guiness Book of World Record setting fuckery. I wonder if they keep track of such things? I'm gonna call and ask. If they don't, this would be a great time and place to start. 

Details are still trickling in to our bat cave, so we will update this breaking story as we get more info. Rumor has it that Dilbert has sent Farcia off to some special "training", not sure if that's code talk for a romantic get away for the two of them. I hope they get a room with one of those sweet heart shaped bathtubs! Then maybe they can use it to soak off some of their combined fluid excretions and come back to the Q not smelling like a 14 year old boys unwashed sheets. 

As a citizen of this Town, I'd kind of like to know why we are paying this obviously incompetent sergeant 50k a year to do little more than service the Chief. It's abundantly clear that she is just another liability for this liability laden town. Let's hope our prospective new insurance companies aren't catching wind of these constant screw ups. Heh, I said "screw". 

It seems to me that if we are stuck with the Chief (which we seem to be since our council and interim town manager have major boner for him) it would be far more cost effective to pay a hooker on the days he needs to inflict some Viagra induced lovin on someone. Granted, that would be both cruel and unusual punishment for the hooker, but at least we wouldn't have to pay her a fat salary, health insurance, and retirement benefits. On the upside, unlike Flabby Farcia, the hooker wouldn't be forced spend hours on end at the Eatery. So, you know, that's a pretty good selling point. 

Word on the street

Word reached us here in our Fortress of Solitude (which we lovingly call our super sweet park model) about a very interesting event which took place last Friday night over by the exclusive gated (gates are in the mail) community know to the locals as "Padlocks" - 'cause if it ain't locked it's free. Now, some would question the validity of our using the term "exclusive" when it comes to talking about Padlocks RV Park, but we just say "fuck you, damn yuppie Callyfornians, go back to Orange County and where's that fucking gate we ordered?" Mofo's always looking down their noses at us locals. Anyway, around here Padlocks RV Park is something of a local legend. One cannot adequately describe the aura surrounding the place, it has to be seen, and smelled, in person for you to truly appreciate the goings on of the residents which inhabit the property.

Anyhoo, getting back to our story, my super-secret sources say there was an encounter just down the road from the luxury haven Padlocks last Friday night (Nov. 9th). Seems that during the evening, a call went into central dispatch that there was a hit and run. Sergeant Flabby Farcia, being the ever vigilant police officer that she is 

(I will wait while you finish laughing. Is ten minutes enough time? OK, good)

is first on the scene. Which was in itself a very unusual event since we all know that sergeants don't take calls according to her Viagra-soaked (I hear he sweats it - maybe that's why Jerry Pukkerson is always licking him) lover boy,  Chief Hef Dilbert.

But, for whatever reason, Farcia shows up to the scene without her lover Hef Dilbert, which was another unusual event because she NEVER is without him by her side unless he's in her side if you know what I mean, and I think that you do. Seeing them constantly together makes one wonder if they shower after their mating rituals.  Otherwise one would assume that their bodily fluids (sorry, just threw up in my mouth a little bit) would be keeping them stuck together like Gorilla Glue. Perhaps Dilbert was putting in his court-ordered community service time, spending an hour a week with his wife, Spandy. I'll have to write a post of Spandy one of these days, it will be a doozy. 

Meanwhile, over by Padlocks, Farcia is clueless what to do. She didn't make sergeant for her police skills, if you catch my drift. Surveying the scene, she notices there is a victim, I'm only going to use her initials because as you'll see at the end of the story, she's been victimized enough. So this victim, MM, is crying in pain after being struck by a maroon colored truck which hauled ass from the scene toot sweet. 

Berry Billcocks, the Lord of Padlock Manor is consoling the victim, MM. Now Berry, being something of an alcohol aficionado, pulls his green Swedish made chariot over to help Ms. MM. Farcia, smelling the fruits of Berry's recent imbibing, tells him to "move along now, nothing to see," and tells Berry to go ahead and drive his drunk-ass self on home. I know, I know, seems too far fetched to believe that a police officer would tell someone who is drunk to go ahead and drive himself home, but once you consider that no real police officers had shown up yet, it starts to make sense. 

Meanwhile, back at the crime scene, Ms. MM is surveying the damage done to her and telling Farcia to "go get that sumbitch what done hit her with his maroon pickemup."  Gathering what information she could fit onto the head of a pin that she calls a brain, MM tells Farcia that the perp - love that, "perp," sounds all "The Shield" and shit - driving the maroon truck is somewhat of a whatcha-call it - transient. He goes by the name of Fuckit.  I ain't even kidding, for real, the guy's called Fuckit.

So while Ms. MM is being taken care of by the paramedics, another officer is nice enough to document her injuries with what is known in the industry as a "camera." Yeah, I know, it seems pretty advanced for a small department like QPD to have such high-tech equipment but perhaps the officer used his personal one, I don't have all the details yet. 

Gratefully fleeing the scene, much like the driver of the maroon truck, Farcia goes off to pursue Fuckit. Perhaps hearing the word Fuckit made her think of Dilbert so she went off to pursue that. Unfortunately, while pursuing her idea of fuck it, she runs across the real Fuckit in his maroon truck! What the fuck is she supposed to do now? She can't ignore that she just found the perp, but the idea of fuck it with Dilbert is clouding what little judgement she has. 

So let us recap where we are at so far. We've got an injured woman, a DUI suspect told to drive himself home, a transient who ran over a woman and fled the scene leaving nothing but the smell of Berry's breath and tire tracks on her skirt behind. Still with me? 

Well, Farcia, not being with her mentor Dilbert, has to rely on what little police training she retains in her mostly empty head (we suspect that when she and Dilbert are together their combined IQ is right around Forest Gump level. When they stand side by side they create a wind tunnel). She decides to make contact with Mr., or perhaps Dr., Fuckit. What do all her years of "experience" lead her to do next? Well, she decides to cite and release him. You know, like they do when someone is going a bit to fast down Main Street, etc.  In other words, she lets this guy go.

So whipping out her dusty (and possibly crusty from the combined fluids she and Dilbert - ugh, can't continue) ticket book (remember, she doesn't take calls or do traffic, unless you count the traffic in Dilbert's pants) she writes up Mr. Fuckit for disorderly conduct and some other minor nonsense. Mr. Fuckit, having no actual address, semi-permanent refrigerator box residence, place of employment or the sort of moral compass that tells normal folks to see if the person they just ran down is OK, which would compel him to show up in court on the date Farcia wrote on the citation, says "suuuure I will show up on the court date! Yeah, that's the ticket!" - literally. So off drives Mr. Fuckit into the dark desert night, probably thanking his lucky stars he didn't get stopped by a real police officer (and that Farcia didn't take out the horniness his name was causing her on his leg like a rabid Rottweiler).

But you see, there is a fundamental problem with Farcia's logic (yes, an oxymoron, we know). When someone hits something like, for example, a mailbox (for lifelong Quartzsiters, there are places where the Postal Service lets you put a box in front of your house and leaves your mail there), and leaves the scene, well that's a tragedy for the mailbox but in the great scheme of things, not the crime of the century. But the case we have here, there is a victim. One who has tire tracks on her legs. This changes things dramatically. Like changing from a misdemeanor to a felony. And, Ms. MM and Berry unfortunately for Farcia, have a mouths and they aren't usually occupied by Dilbert's tiny crank like Farcia's.

Ms. MM, and the Lord of Padlock Manor, Berry Billcocks, are indignant, outraged and highly urinated at the shoddy police work done by Farcia. What do Ms. MM and Master Billcocks (and we) think should have happened to Mr. Fuckit? Mr. Fuckit should have been placed under arrest and taken into custody, probably tested for alcohol and/or drugs, charged with felony aggravated assault, felony leaving the scene of an accident with injuries, among other things, had his vehicle impounded as evidence, then three hots and a cot at the La Paz County Jail. 

But, in the continuing tradition of ineptitude, Farcia thinks to herself "he seemed nice, I'm glad I let a transient who just ran over a woman go" and proceeds to head back to her trailer. Maybe to get a "debriefing" from Chief Dilbert, she's hoping. "How long is that court ordered conjugal visit with Spandy anyway? He should be done by now. After all, he never lasts that long with me. Damn heart condition, glad he doesn't read the warning label on that bottle of Mexican Viagra."

Well, unfortunately for Farcia and Dilbert, he's not going to be able to cover her wide ass this time. Ms. MM and Master Billcocks are livid! Even though Farcia let Billcocks get out of yet another DUI (how many is this now? Geez, he's not even done with court on the last one!) for which he should be grateful, they are going around town screaming high and low about Farcia's incompetence and this miscarriage of justice. 

Fortunately for us, Ms. MM is willing to talk to anyone and everyone who wants to listen about what happened. Master Billcocks, too. Another thing that Ms. MM has going for her, is that she has some contacts at the County Attorney's office (having been the victim of a previous non-Farcia related incident) and has made an appointment to share her tragic story with them. She's still waiting on a callback from Inside Edition and Fox Business News.

Doubt any of this is real? Well go by the PD (if they are even open anymore) and do a public records request for the report. Make sure to ask for the pictures of the tire tracks across Ms. MM's legs that the other cop took as well. You'll have to do some digging to find the real names of the parties involved so you know what to fill out on the request form. But since this story is getting retold around town with more frequency than the retelling of Jesus (the real one, not Dilbert who just thinks he is Jesus) walking on water, it won't be that difficult. 

The story you have just read is true.  Alllegedly.  The names have been changed to protect me, I don't give a rat's ass about the innocent.

Fuck Yeah!

People of Quartzsite! We're dicks! We're reckless, arrogant, stupid dicks. And the Quartzsite Common Council members are pussies. And Laura Bluto is an asshole. Pussies don't like dicks, because pussies get fucked by dicks. But dicks also fuck assholes: assholes that just want to shit on everything. Pussies may think they can deal with assholes their way. But the only thing that can fuck an asshole is a dick, with some balls. The problem with dicks is: they fuck too much or fuck when it isn't appropriate - and it takes a pussy to show them that. But sometimes, pussies can be so full of shit that they become assholes themselves... because pussies are an inch and half away from ass holes. I don't know much about this crazy, crazy world, but I do know this: If you don't let us fuck this asshole, we're going to have our dicks and pussies all covered in shit! 

Credit where credit is due, I may have lifted some (if not all) of this quote from Trey Parker and Matt Stone. If they knew anything at all about Quartzsite, they'd totally approve. Peace bros, I love you guys. 

....Sigh.....

Well, I have to apologize for not following up on my pledge to finish examining the La Paz county candidates. I went into a deep funk when I realized my homeboy Ron Paul wasn't going to win the Presidential election and couldn't bring myself to get on the internets. I don't even know if Mitt or Obama won yet, but I have the Election Day coverage DVR'd so don't tell me who won. This weekend I'll catch up and am sure it will be a nail biter.

So what's happening around town? Anything exciting? I tried to read the council agenda for Tuesdays meeting but it seemed to be put together by a retarded chimpanzee so I gave up. One thing that manages to continue through all the turmoil is that the Town Clerk never seems to learn from previous mistakes and improve her performance. Weird! Maybe now that the people who formerly fixed all her mistakes are gone she will be fired for incompetence. Pfft, yeah right. The only people who seem to get fired are those who actually knew how to do their jobs.

Maybe once I can summon up the energy to change out of my days old jammies and shower off for the first time in a week, I'll scoot around Town and get the lowdown on all the recent gossip and happenings. I promise, I will share whatever I discover with my loyal reader on here. It's awesome having a fan. I mean, besides myself and my cat (who can't read by the way, but maybe that's why she still likes me).

La Paz County Candidates, Part 1

Ugh, where to begin with this group of miscreants, nut jobs, slobs, and fakers? We thought Qsite was messed up? The county is much worse.

Sheriff's race- ugh, this is about the worst group. First, John Drum. The drums he's using to promote himself are as empty as the promises he's making to fix the SO. He was a bad magistrate judge and a bad supervisor. Elect him and he will continue this tradition. He'll use his power at the SO to look the other way on his fellow bar flies intoxicated driving habits. Drum isn't anything new, he's more of the same good old boys network that has kept La Paz County from growing and thriving so that he and his friends can prosper, while making sure that others don't. Then we have Candy Escorza. She's had her AZ POST cert pulled for life. That's a pretty big deal. After all, look at all the misconduct Chief Dilbert has gotten away with while POST looks the other way. I wonder if her ex Joe will be helping her out if she manages to get elected. These two are a bad combo for La Paz County. Last, Jose Moreno. He's the one I know practically nothing about. Maybe that's a good thing, maybe as an outsider from the same old same old, he has a chance to make some improvements (much much needed improvements) at the SO. I saw the video of the meet the candidates out in Salome that was held this summer and he came across as a blundering fool. Plus he's from CRIT, and that place is more fucked up than Qsite and the County combined.

District 1 Supervisor- this is a scary one too. First, DL Wilson. He's been in town politics for years, and is deeply entrenched in the good old boys network with Drum. I doubt he will make a good supervisor, but if you want the county to maintain the backwards, same as its always been, then vote for DL. Missy Gilbert. Where to start with this chick? First, if she's a democrat then I'm the Easter Bunny. She only chose to be a democrats so she can win the reservation. Given her tea party, right wing views, anyone with half a brain can see she's a faux democrat. Speaking of faux, obviously size matters to Missy, because her signs are a giant as her fake boobs. Wonder if size mattered to all the girls her hubby was hooking up with before he was run out of the SO? Maybe, because I can't see where they would be attracted to his looks so size must be a factor. On a positive note, she could do your nails during BOS meetings. She can multitask, I hear.

District 2- let's see, Clapperton or who? Who is running against him? I don't know anything about the other candidate, but King is a bit of a whacko, I think. I remember reading his comments on the Pioneer in years past (ALL CAPS!) and he's out there. So he'll fit right in with county government.

District 3- Holly Irwin or Paul Hale. Well lets see, what did Holly promise us last time she ran? Oh that's right, to settle the Yakima suit ASAP. How long into her term did she forget all about that promise? Probably on day one when John Drum took her under his wing. She's done nothing for anyone except improve her own quality of life (and that of her bloated park ranger husband). Same shit, different day with her. Paul Hale? Don't know much about him, except that he doesn't seem to be a part of the good old boys network, which is why he will lose.

County Assessor- Well the choices in this race is lose lose for LPC. Sharon Schuler is George's protege, which is why he retired so she could run as an incumbent. She's no different than Nault, so if you liked him, vote for her. Squeak Kossar. Ugh, this guy. He reminds me of a beached whale. I can't see what he will bring to the assessors office, other than a giant supply of Baby Ruth's and sweat. No doubt the first thing he will need is a larger chair. I don't know if he can deliver on all those promises he's made.

County Attorney- I'll have to write this later. My tummy can't handle this much grossness at one time. I admit, I'm weak.

Someone was a Very Bad Boy

Who? Why Steve Lundell. It seems that fine Mormon boy Lundell was being a naughty boy when he was assigned to the task force. Such a bad boy, in fact, that Sleazy Sammy yanked him out of there so fast and halted an investigation into his actions. Wonder why Sammy pulled him out of there so fast? Rumor has it that Lundell has some messy dirt on Sammy he wouldn't want the general public to know about. Could it be something like catching Mikey and his GF Sleazy in a compromising position? That's what we've heard.

The letter from the ACJC is quite informative, and I'd love to hear how Lundell explains his ejection from the task force offices. Seems their was a little too much freedom at the task forces offices and someone needed to be under the watchful eye of Sammy to make sure he was being a good boy. Tsk tsk.

Imagine the kind of things he will do, and subsequently cover up, as CA.

Bluto vs Fraudster

The scene, a dusty desert town. Tumble weeds roll across the almost empty streets while frail old people hide in there ramshackle homes and peak out the drawn curtains. They know something's afoot, but being of below average IQ, they can't quiet tell what's going on. On one end of the towns Main Street, stands a old man. He's lost many of his teeth, he's withered, he's poor, but stands proud in his hole riddled sandals with dirty white socks (also full of holes). His back is straight because he stands for...... well, we aren't sure what he stands for. But it's probably something good. Maybe. His name is Fraudster.

At the other end of Main Street, a newcomer. She is clad head to foot in polyester. We think its the Betty White Fall 2010 collection but we aren't entirely sure. We all agree the ensemble came from K Mart. If you glance quickly, you might mistake her for a kindly grandmother type. But look more closely, you'll see the evil radiating from her eyes. If you take a much harder look, you'll see the man behind this woman (wait, are we sure she's a woman?), Mr. Jerry Pukerson.  The woman? Well that's Bluto. Biggest con artist Quartzsite has seen to date, and that is saying A LOT.

As the wind whips up little dust devils, the lonesome Fraudster looks fearful for a second. After all, he's alone except for a ragtag group of wanna be's and never was's hiding in their shanty on wheels. If he'd only saved a little of his pension check from his years of doing, hrm, something, and bought himself a shot of liquid courage, he'd feel better about his chances against Bluto and Pukerson. But damn, the one thing he ain't is fiscally responsible and the barkeep at Silly Al's won't run him a tab anymore. Oh the humanity!

Fraudster is resolute. He wants to pretend fight for a seat he doesn't really want big time. He wants to pound his chest and say "I'm the Mayor of Shit Town!". That, and a buck fifty, will get him one of the daily drink specials at Silly Al's. Right now, he's got the sympathy of all the rubes, they think "poor Ol Fraudster", the evil Town is keeping him from taking his place as ruler of shitsville. He likes the adoration he gets from masses. If they like him, they might buy him a drink or two, and hellz yeah, that would be just swell! But if he actually gets to sit up on that council podium, what them? Will he have to make good on any of those things he promised when he was up for election? Who can even remember what was promised? Do you know how much alcohol has gone into and come out of that man in the past few months?  It boggles the mind.

So what's the high plain grifter Bluto got in her arsenal? Well, she's got failed mayoral candidate Jerry Pukerson, the even more below average IQ council, the dastardly chief Hef Dilbert who would do all sorts of criminal acts for his buddy Pukerson before, but now that Pukerson got him his precious job back? Well game on! Pukerson now owns the keys to Dilberts testicles from now to eternity. Dilberts wife wasn't interested in those testicles anyway, but Flabby Farcia might miss them terribly. Perhaps she and Pukerson can work out a time share deal.

Fraudsters eyes close to nearly slits. Is he stratigerizing or just nodding off? We can't know. Bluto looks smug and almost like an upright citizen from our vantage point. Granted, we aren't close enough to smell the sulfur emanating from her pores, but having read her deposition in the school finance fiasco, upright citizen she ain't.

The showdown begins. Fraudster, having no one close by to tell him what to say, stays quiet. Bluto, empowered by an idiot council, her master Pukerson, and Hef Dilbert in her back pocket (where all bought and paid for lawmen are kept), says to Fraudster "go ahead, take us to court". Which leaves us to wonder, what will Fraudster do? He has no money (again, fiscal irresponsibility and that nasty drinking problem) and at some point his lawyer with the oddly shaped head is going to want to get paid.

So Bluto, leading her council of idiots by the nose, seems to have won this round. But if we know nothing else, we know that all good soap operas have many twists and turns. Fraudster may be down, but I wouldn't count him out. And really, who cares at this point? He's only one vote and Bluto has the rest of the council (besides Fraudsters main squeeze) on the idiot council.

What will happen next? Will Bluto be able to withstand the hits that just keep coming at her? Will she be able to run Town Hall by herself since the employees are bailing out at unbelievable speed? Hmmm, that's an interesting thought, if all the town employees are gone, no one will be there to watch her rob the place blind! Maybe that's what she's going for. Will the town be able to find insurance it can afford? Will Bluto finally realize what a massive failure Terry Fraudsto is as Clerk? And what a pile of shit Dilbert is?

All we know is, this story just gets better and better. Join us next time on The Old and The Witless.

Maybe Baron Von Trapp Could Help, or Fraulein Maria

When one ponders what can be done to fix all that ails this pathetic little speck on a map, the words "nuclear" and "bomb" come to mind. Now don't get me wrong, I am not in possession of a nuke so I couldn't possibly detonate one, but if I had one....... Ah the carefree dreams of a simple mind......

But simply put, there is no simple solution to the problem in Quartzsite. I have to wonder if Quartzsite was built upon an Indian burial ground. And just for fun, the early settlers dug up the bones, pissed on them, and buried them upside down. That seems the most logical answer to why this place turns people batshit crazy. Are they crazy before arriving in this shithole? Or does the heat, terrible living conditions, atrocious water, or proximity to other whack ass crazy people turn otherwise normal individuals into raving psychos?

These are the questions we will be asking, and hopefully finding some answers to in upcoming episodes of..... Genital Hospital. Meh, thats no good, we don't have a hospital here. All My Crazies. No, wait, The Old and the Listless. Wait, I have a better one! The Old and The Witless.

Ding ding ding! We have a winner! The Old and The Witless it is!  Tune in as we discuss the buffoonery of Terry Fraudsto, Laura Bluto, Mark Forgeron, Dingbat-Pat Flanderson, Mike No-Wit,  Vile Kiss and Ruh Ruh Ron Bones, Jerry Pukerson, Hef Dilbert and his mistress Flabby Farcia, Sgt. Slim Boltz (at the first sign of trouble, he bolts away as quickly as possible), Fartin Braggin, Mike Sloth, Raid (someone please get a giant can of this) Jones, and a vast collection of supporting characters.

The next episode will be discussing Bluto. To get you in the proper mindset, here is something fromWikipedia  to entertain you while you wait- "Bluto is generally portrayed as of low intelligence, typically acting without thinking and utilizing brute force, which often signals his defeat at the hands of Popeye". Who is going to be Popeye in our story? Put your thinking caps on.

The Old and The Witless is brought to you by the letter H. You can't spell "How the Fuck Did I End Up in Quartzsite" without the letter H. It's a fact. That's called science people, look it up.