P&Z should watch P's & Q's

The woeful state of affairs within QTown's administrative offices being talked about around town with a fervor that we usually only see in the wee hours of Black Friday waiting for the doors to open at Family Dollar. Isn't there anything else happening in Town? No? 

Well OK. I don't want anyone to get shanked while waiting for a juicy story so I'll tell you a tale about a little know department called Planning and Zoning, and the even little-er known employees working in said department. Gather around children, and prepare to be entertained, enthralled, and embroiled.

Once upon a time, lets say hmmmm, about five years ago, there was a shriveled old lady who worked in the Town's planning and zoning department. This lady, we'll call her Breath Craast, was very close to the town manager at the time, we'll call him Mr. Ban Shield. One day, she decided that P&Z wasn't doing it for her anymore, or maybe Mr. Shield did for one reason or another. One of the big mysteries of this story is why this shake up occurred. Perhaps an audit of the Town's finances during Mr. Shield reign would be helpful, but this is a fairy tale, not the retelling of a miracle, so that wasn't done we aren't holding our breath for it to happen now. 

So Breath comes in to Mr. Shield's office one day, and says, "there is a very competent worker in the children's library and I think she'd be great in P&Z. She's trustworthy, has the patience of a saint (obviously, she has to deal with kids all day and hasn't killed anyone) and I feel I've done all I can to further my own interests in this department." So she asks Mr. Shield, "how about me and this competent person trade jobs?"

This would work out great! Breath would get a chance to bungle up another department, and the fair library maiden would have a chance to really shine and make P&Z something the Town so desperately needed - a department that would function properly. So Mr. Shield goes about moving these chess pieces around and all seems super fab. 

Until one very cold and dark day, when some jerk mentioned that Breath hadn't had a fingerprint and background check done. Damn noisy people, always trying to cause problems for Mr. Shield by expecting him to do things "the right way" and "according to town code". Bastards. Well, perhaps it wasn't required by the towns personnel policy back in the olden days when shriveled old Breath was hired, or maybe someone screwed up and just neglected to perform the fingerprint check, criminal history, and drug test that all Town employees have to have done in order to become an actual Town employee (we hear that is happening once again. Do you think they are just dumb or deliberately trying to violate as many Town codes as they can?)

So why is this becoming an issue? After all, Breath has worked for the Town for years and years. Why should she have to subject herself to such tests now? Well, that is because of the job she is being moved into will put her into close proximity to children. You see, parents and the Town actually want their employees, especially ones who work with children, to have nothing icky in their background so they perform these checks to make sure that a potential candidate doesn't have drug problem, isn't a pedophile or registered sex offender, or using an assumed name. Or has a felony conviction anywhere at any time in their lives. Those candidates who have had any of the things described above and maybe a few other scenarios, are invited to exit the premises and not return. A complete criminal history check would show if this potential employee had a felony conviction in another state, too! Like if someone moved here from the Pacific Northwest, well their criminal history follows them around! Sort of like a shadow. This magical criminal history check  will even turn up something in ones background who used to have a different name, like a previous married and divorced name, or even a maiden name. The wonders of science and technology never cease to amaze!

Well, the fair maiden who is now working in Planning and Zoning is doing a stellar job, and she isn't really interested in returning to working in the children's library. So Breath, thinking that if she's forced to have this unfair background check done, it might reveal something in her past she isn't super proud of. And if it's revealed, will find herself out of a job and subject to public ridicule. 

Figuring there was no way to escape the past from catching up with her, Breath turns to Mr. Shield, and in a closed door cry-fest, she bares her soul to him. Breath came out of Mr. Shields office much like a devout Catholic leaving the confession booth. As a matter of fact, Mr. Shield, thinking he was very much like Pope Benedict XVI, even asked Breath to kiss his ring on her way out the door - he thought very highly of himself, we hear he still does.

During the closed door confession, Breath and Mr. Shield decide that unfortunately they aren't going to be able to have Breath continue to work in the children's library. Since all the employees were abuzz about Breath's lack of background check, she can't just go back to P&Z without creating some serious grumbling among the worker bees. So it is decided that Breath will go ahead and retire from town employment, and leave that nasty past safely in the past. The benevolent Mr. Shield, says that whatever Breath told him in his office is "attorney-client privileged" info and will not be revealed to anyone. Yes, we think its ridiculous too, considering Mr. Shield was the Town Manager and not Breath's personal attorney or priest, but knowing how Mr. Shield operates, this is pretty typical of him. 

In a final parting gift to Breath, as he closes her personnel file, which obviously won't have any of her confession in it, writes - OK to Rehire. We think that is kind of shitty, since now this person can waltz back in like 5 years later and start work right away! No need to do a criminal history or background check, because she was a town employee before! 

This tale may or may not be true. If one were so inclined, they could ask about how employee background checks are done and if every single person working for the town - even if they are just "interim" or "acting" - has had a completed background check. If one does happen to find the answer, please share, because getting any information from our ITM Madam Bluto is like nailing jelly to a wall. An exercise in futility.