The scene, a dusty desert town. Tumble weeds roll across the almost empty streets while frail old people hide in there ramshackle homes and peak out the drawn curtains. They know something's afoot, but being of below average IQ, they can't quiet tell what's going on. On one end of the towns Main Street, stands a old man. He's lost many of his teeth, he's withered, he's poor, but stands proud in his hole riddled sandals with dirty white socks (also full of holes). His back is straight because he stands for...... well, we aren't sure what he stands for. But it's probably something good. Maybe. His name is Fraudster.
At the other end of Main Street, a newcomer. She is clad head to foot in polyester. We think its the Betty White Fall 2010 collection but we aren't entirely sure. We all agree the ensemble came from K Mart. If you glance quickly, you might mistake her for a kindly grandmother type. But look more closely, you'll see the evil radiating from her eyes. If you take a much harder look, you'll see the man behind this woman (wait, are we sure she's a woman?), Mr. Jerry Pukerson. The woman? Well that's Bluto. Biggest con artist Quartzsite has seen to date, and that is saying A LOT.
As the wind whips up little dust devils, the lonesome Fraudster looks fearful for a second. After all, he's alone except for a ragtag group of wanna be's and never was's hiding in their shanty on wheels. If he'd only saved a little of his pension check from his years of doing, hrm, something, and bought himself a shot of liquid courage, he'd feel better about his chances against Bluto and Pukerson. But damn, the one thing he ain't is fiscally responsible and the barkeep at Silly Al's won't run him a tab anymore. Oh the humanity!
Fraudster is resolute. He wants to pretend fight for a seat he doesn't really want big time. He wants to pound his chest and say "I'm the Mayor of Shit Town!". That, and a buck fifty, will get him one of the daily drink specials at Silly Al's. Right now, he's got the sympathy of all the rubes, they think "poor Ol Fraudster", the evil Town is keeping him from taking his place as ruler of shitsville. He likes the adoration he gets from masses. If they like him, they might buy him a drink or two, and hellz yeah, that would be just swell! But if he actually gets to sit up on that council podium, what them? Will he have to make good on any of those things he promised when he was up for election? Who can even remember what was promised? Do you know how much alcohol has gone into and come out of that man in the past few months? It boggles the mind.
So what's the high plain grifter Bluto got in her arsenal? Well, she's got failed mayoral candidate Jerry Pukerson, the even more below average IQ council, the dastardly chief Hef Dilbert who would do all sorts of criminal acts for his buddy Pukerson before, but now that Pukerson got him his precious job back? Well game on! Pukerson now owns the keys to Dilberts testicles from now to eternity. Dilberts wife wasn't interested in those testicles anyway, but Flabby Farcia might miss them terribly. Perhaps she and Pukerson can work out a time share deal.
Fraudsters eyes close to nearly slits. Is he stratigerizing or just nodding off? We can't know. Bluto looks smug and almost like an upright citizen from our vantage point. Granted, we aren't close enough to smell the sulfur emanating from her pores, but having read her deposition in the school finance fiasco, upright citizen she ain't.
The showdown begins. Fraudster, having no one close by to tell him what to say, stays quiet. Bluto, empowered by an idiot council, her master Pukerson, and Hef Dilbert in her back pocket (where all bought and paid for lawmen are kept), says to Fraudster "go ahead, take us to court". Which leaves us to wonder, what will Fraudster do? He has no money (again, fiscal irresponsibility and that nasty drinking problem) and at some point his lawyer with the oddly shaped head is going to want to get paid.
So Bluto, leading her council of idiots by the nose, seems to have won this round. But if we know nothing else, we know that all good soap operas have many twists and turns. Fraudster may be down, but I wouldn't count him out. And really, who cares at this point? He's only one vote and Bluto has the rest of the council (besides Fraudsters main squeeze) on the idiot council.
What will happen next? Will Bluto be able to withstand the hits that just keep coming at her? Will she be able to run Town Hall by herself since the employees are bailing out at unbelievable speed? Hmmm, that's an interesting thought, if all the town employees are gone, no one will be there to watch her rob the place blind! Maybe that's what she's going for. Will the town be able to find insurance it can afford? Will Bluto finally realize what a massive failure Terry Fraudsto is as Clerk? And what a pile of shit Dilbert is?
All we know is, this story just gets better and better. Join us next time on The Old and The Witless.
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