Thursday, December 13, 2012

To Protect and Serve Who?

One has to wonder who QPD Sergeant James Schultz is protecting and serving on Sunday mornings here in Quartzsite. His own ass? We hear he's really great at doing that. We've learned recently that Sgt. Schultz has taken to appearing in full uniform, driving his QPD Tahoe with his family, at Sunday church services. Does anyone besides us think that's just really odd? Is he getting paid to attend church services? Must be, if he's showing up in full uniform driving an official Town vehicle. Is the Town providing him his offering when the basket gets passed around? Maybe the Town wants all employees hitting the local church services to appeal to various deities to help them "right this ship" which Bluto so famously vowed to do. 

That must be why we recently spotted Bluto doing Native American peace pipe ceremonies with Grain Goldenglare and Marr Sparefat. We wonder what's in that pipe they are smoking - probably something hallucinatory because they are all still acting as if everything is a-ok. A friend recently saw Vile Gash and Ruh Ruh Romp Bones coming out of snake handling services over by the Big Tent. While technically not Town employees, they sure seem to be 100% committed to Bluto's reign of terror. Most likely praying to the snake gods to save this little Town, so they can continue to act superior to everyone. Or maybe they are praying for a cure to whatever Romp's speaking impairment is. Unfortunately for the rest of us, they appeared to be fine, no snake bites inflicted. More likely than not, Vile bored the snakes to tears with her shameless self promotion - she was a headhunter in corporate America for years and worked on the first moon launch and invented the cargo barges which traveled along the Erie Canal! Much like we will never forget 9-11, Vile will never forget how important she is. Once the snakes were sufficiently subdued, she probably bit them. We are sure the toxin she produces is no match for a local rattlesnake. 

Back to Sgt. Schultz, do you think the Chief knows he is doing this Sunday morning gig? We are going to say hell yes. After all, the Chief controls everything his sergeants do. Plus Schultz, being a loyal subject (except for those few weeks when he was Acting Chief when the only thing he was loyal to were his own interests) would never do anything without his Chief's approval. That plus the fact that the church which Schultz attends is directly across the street from Dilbert's house makes it perfectly clear the Chief knows about this. 

You know what Schultz might be praying for? That no one at the Veterans Administration gets wind of his apparent scam to get increased disability benefits. About a week ago we spent some time over at the VFW, and left with some interesting information. First, many of the men we talked to were disabled as a result from their service to our country. Second, they had to fight like crazy to get the meager VA disability and care they were entitled to after they served their country. Third, they really don't appreciate someone who is trying to pull a fast one on the VA because in the end, this makes all veterans look bad and makes people doubt the sacrifices they made for all of us. Bottom line, they seemed kind of pissed off that someone in our Town seems to be playing both sides of the fence. 

Now, we aren't saying Schultz didn't suffer from injuries related to his Army Reserve service, we don't know if he did or didn't. All we have heard about from anyone who has talked to Schultz says he constantly talks about the problems with his knees and he says he's on the list to be scheduled for surgery. He also says he thinks it stinks the small amount of disability pay he receives each month, and is working on appealing his benefits percentage to get more money each month. 

Maybe someone could ask Schultz why if he is, in fact, disabled and needs assistance from the VA, how come he's still a fully functioning patrol sergeant and seems to need no accommodations to do his job? When he was placed on light duty and told he needed to get physical from a POST doctor by Al Johnson because of the huge liability he presented for the Town, he pitched a hissy fit. As soon as Bluto was at the helm of the Quartzsite Titanic, he immediately went off light duty and is now out in the area, protecting and serving our citizens and his fellow officers. As long as no one needs him to actually run or do any kind of physical work, he's just fine. 

He might want to say a prayer that these upset veterans don't pick up a pen and write to the DAV to report his potential fraud. Maybe God answers worshipers prayers more quickly if they show up to church in full QPD uniform. 

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