Monday, December 24, 2012

P&Z should watch P's & Q's

The woeful state of affairs within QTown's administrative offices being talked about around town with a fervor that we usually only see in the wee hours of Black Friday waiting for the doors to open at Family Dollar. Isn't there anything else happening in Town? No? 

Well OK. I don't want anyone to get shanked while waiting for a juicy story so I'll tell you a tale about a little know department called Planning and Zoning, and the even little-er known employees working in said department. Gather around children, and prepare to be entertained, enthralled, and embroiled.

Once upon a time, lets say hmmmm, about five years ago, there was a shriveled old lady who worked in the Town's planning and zoning department. This lady, we'll call her Breath Craast, was very close to the town manager at the time, we'll call him Mr. Ban Shield. One day, she decided that P&Z wasn't doing it for her anymore, or maybe Mr. Shield did for one reason or another. One of the big mysteries of this story is why this shake up occurred. Perhaps an audit of the Town's finances during Mr. Shield reign would be helpful, but this is a fairy tale, not the retelling of a miracle, so that wasn't done we aren't holding our breath for it to happen now. 

So Breath comes in to Mr. Shield's office one day, and says, "there is a very competent worker in the children's library and I think she'd be great in P&Z. She's trustworthy, has the patience of a saint (obviously, she has to deal with kids all day and hasn't killed anyone) and I feel I've done all I can to further my own interests in this department." So she asks Mr. Shield, "how about me and this competent person trade jobs?"

This would work out great! Breath would get a chance to bungle up another department, and the fair library maiden would have a chance to really shine and make P&Z something the Town so desperately needed - a department that would function properly. So Mr. Shield goes about moving these chess pieces around and all seems super fab. 

Until one very cold and dark day, when some jerk mentioned that Breath hadn't had a fingerprint and background check done. Damn noisy people, always trying to cause problems for Mr. Shield by expecting him to do things "the right way" and "according to town code". Bastards. Well, perhaps it wasn't required by the towns personnel policy back in the olden days when shriveled old Breath was hired, or maybe someone screwed up and just neglected to perform the fingerprint check, criminal history, and drug test that all Town employees have to have done in order to become an actual Town employee (we hear that is happening once again. Do you think they are just dumb or deliberately trying to violate as many Town codes as they can?)

So why is this becoming an issue? After all, Breath has worked for the Town for years and years. Why should she have to subject herself to such tests now? Well, that is because of the job she is being moved into will put her into close proximity to children. You see, parents and the Town actually want their employees, especially ones who work with children, to have nothing icky in their background so they perform these checks to make sure that a potential candidate doesn't have drug problem, isn't a pedophile or registered sex offender, or using an assumed name. Or has a felony conviction anywhere at any time in their lives. Those candidates who have had any of the things described above and maybe a few other scenarios, are invited to exit the premises and not return. A complete criminal history check would show if this potential employee had a felony conviction in another state, too! Like if someone moved here from the Pacific Northwest, well their criminal history follows them around! Sort of like a shadow. This magical criminal history check  will even turn up something in ones background who used to have a different name, like a previous married and divorced name, or even a maiden name. The wonders of science and technology never cease to amaze!

Well, the fair maiden who is now working in Planning and Zoning is doing a stellar job, and she isn't really interested in returning to working in the children's library. So Breath, thinking that if she's forced to have this unfair background check done, it might reveal something in her past she isn't super proud of. And if it's revealed, will find herself out of a job and subject to public ridicule. 

Figuring there was no way to escape the past from catching up with her, Breath turns to Mr. Shield, and in a closed door cry-fest, she bares her soul to him. Breath came out of Mr. Shields office much like a devout Catholic leaving the confession booth. As a matter of fact, Mr. Shield, thinking he was very much like Pope Benedict XVI, even asked Breath to kiss his ring on her way out the door - he thought very highly of himself, we hear he still does.

During the closed door confession, Breath and Mr. Shield decide that unfortunately they aren't going to be able to have Breath continue to work in the children's library. Since all the employees were abuzz about Breath's lack of background check, she can't just go back to P&Z without creating some serious grumbling among the worker bees. So it is decided that Breath will go ahead and retire from town employment, and leave that nasty past safely in the past. The benevolent Mr. Shield, says that whatever Breath told him in his office is "attorney-client privileged" info and will not be revealed to anyone. Yes, we think its ridiculous too, considering Mr. Shield was the Town Manager and not Breath's personal attorney or priest, but knowing how Mr. Shield operates, this is pretty typical of him. 

In a final parting gift to Breath, as he closes her personnel file, which obviously won't have any of her confession in it, writes - OK to Rehire. We think that is kind of shitty, since now this person can waltz back in like 5 years later and start work right away! No need to do a criminal history or background check, because she was a town employee before! 

This tale may or may not be true. If one were so inclined, they could ask about how employee background checks are done and if every single person working for the town - even if they are just "interim" or "acting" - has had a completed background check. If one does happen to find the answer, please share, because getting any information from our ITM Madam Bluto is like nailing jelly to a wall. An exercise in futility. 

Thursday, December 13, 2012

To Protect and Serve Who?

One has to wonder who QPD Sergeant James Schultz is protecting and serving on Sunday mornings here in Quartzsite. His own ass? We hear he's really great at doing that. We've learned recently that Sgt. Schultz has taken to appearing in full uniform, driving his QPD Tahoe with his family, at Sunday church services. Does anyone besides us think that's just really odd? Is he getting paid to attend church services? Must be, if he's showing up in full uniform driving an official Town vehicle. Is the Town providing him his offering when the basket gets passed around? Maybe the Town wants all employees hitting the local church services to appeal to various deities to help them "right this ship" which Bluto so famously vowed to do. 

That must be why we recently spotted Bluto doing Native American peace pipe ceremonies with Grain Goldenglare and Marr Sparefat. We wonder what's in that pipe they are smoking - probably something hallucinatory because they are all still acting as if everything is a-ok. A friend recently saw Vile Gash and Ruh Ruh Romp Bones coming out of snake handling services over by the Big Tent. While technically not Town employees, they sure seem to be 100% committed to Bluto's reign of terror. Most likely praying to the snake gods to save this little Town, so they can continue to act superior to everyone. Or maybe they are praying for a cure to whatever Romp's speaking impairment is. Unfortunately for the rest of us, they appeared to be fine, no snake bites inflicted. More likely than not, Vile bored the snakes to tears with her shameless self promotion - she was a headhunter in corporate America for years and worked on the first moon launch and invented the cargo barges which traveled along the Erie Canal! Much like we will never forget 9-11, Vile will never forget how important she is. Once the snakes were sufficiently subdued, she probably bit them. We are sure the toxin she produces is no match for a local rattlesnake. 

Back to Sgt. Schultz, do you think the Chief knows he is doing this Sunday morning gig? We are going to say hell yes. After all, the Chief controls everything his sergeants do. Plus Schultz, being a loyal subject (except for those few weeks when he was Acting Chief when the only thing he was loyal to were his own interests) would never do anything without his Chief's approval. That plus the fact that the church which Schultz attends is directly across the street from Dilbert's house makes it perfectly clear the Chief knows about this. 

You know what Schultz might be praying for? That no one at the Veterans Administration gets wind of his apparent scam to get increased disability benefits. About a week ago we spent some time over at the VFW, and left with some interesting information. First, many of the men we talked to were disabled as a result from their service to our country. Second, they had to fight like crazy to get the meager VA disability and care they were entitled to after they served their country. Third, they really don't appreciate someone who is trying to pull a fast one on the VA because in the end, this makes all veterans look bad and makes people doubt the sacrifices they made for all of us. Bottom line, they seemed kind of pissed off that someone in our Town seems to be playing both sides of the fence. 

Now, we aren't saying Schultz didn't suffer from injuries related to his Army Reserve service, we don't know if he did or didn't. All we have heard about from anyone who has talked to Schultz says he constantly talks about the problems with his knees and he says he's on the list to be scheduled for surgery. He also says he thinks it stinks the small amount of disability pay he receives each month, and is working on appealing his benefits percentage to get more money each month. 

Maybe someone could ask Schultz why if he is, in fact, disabled and needs assistance from the VA, how come he's still a fully functioning patrol sergeant and seems to need no accommodations to do his job? When he was placed on light duty and told he needed to get physical from a POST doctor by Al Johnson because of the huge liability he presented for the Town, he pitched a hissy fit. As soon as Bluto was at the helm of the Quartzsite Titanic, he immediately went off light duty and is now out in the area, protecting and serving our citizens and his fellow officers. As long as no one needs him to actually run or do any kind of physical work, he's just fine. 

He might want to say a prayer that these upset veterans don't pick up a pen and write to the DAV to report his potential fraud. Maybe God answers worshipers prayers more quickly if they show up to church in full QPD uniform. 

Monday, December 3, 2012

Look what I found!

Whilst perusing my recently received email, I stumbled upon this gem of a document. So much comes in to my inbox, I can't keep up with all the goodies I receive. Then one day, like today, I get bored and go through all the funny pictures I get sent from icanhascheeseburger and my silly friends. Most of the time I laugh and laugh but once in a while, I read stuff like this and get pissed off. How come nothing is being done to stop Dilberts reign of terror? How many people have to be victimized by this imbecile? How many of my friends have to suffer not only working for him, but then be treated like crap and tossed aside when he doesn't like them anymore? Most folks would look at the pattern revealed in the past few years and think, "gee, I'm really kind of a fuck up and bad manager, I should do something about that." But not Dilbert. He looks at his actions and thinks "wow, I really am Jesus and can do whatever the fuck I want." People are disposable to this idiot, you aren't loyal to him, you go bye bye. I, for one, am sick of seeing my pals tremble in fear when he approaches. 

So feast your eyes on the document Jeff Dilbert and Laura Bluto don't want you to see.

Janet Brannan's Whistleblower Complaint

Gotta go look at some LOLcats now to make me less angry. 

Enjoy. Or not. It's not pretty but does shed some light on this joke of a police chief.